Winds of change

I have been so busy and tired lately that this blog has been a work in progress for over 2 weeks or so...

I watched a sermon a couple days ago called Lukewarm and loving it. It has caused me to think about my walk and my heart. There are times I question my salvation, I think everyone does and I think it is something healthy. The Bible even instructs us to test our hearts and see where our motivation lies. When I think of where I am and where my salvation is, I always return to fruit. Jesus said that they will know us by our fruit. I ask myself do I see fruit, especially NEW fruit in my life? I know people often comment on my "quiet and gentle" spirit and I often look at that myself as to reassure myself of where I am at with Christ. However I tend to look only at that. I have posted before on how God has been slowly and steadily been revealing how truly wretched I am, how much pride I have and how desperately I need Him everyday. I tend to unfortunately think, "I'm a good person, I try to live a good life" but that isn't what Christ wants. Christ said that there is No one good except Him. He wants our heart, our thoughts and our lives. He wants us to lay EVERYTHING down before His thrown and say "its all yours, my money my kids, my husband, my vanity, everything, just take it" I continually lay my family down, before his throne. It is the only way my stress of "who is dead and laying in the ditch" mentality, can cope. To KNOW that nothing is going to come to harm my family unless appointed by God. A friend of mine has a statement he often says "God appoints man only one time to die, and until that time I am invisible" I think that we should be good stewards of our bodies and lives, but when things come that are out of our hands, all we can/should say is "let YOUR will be done" The sermon I watched had a lot to do with money and possessions. Where are we putting our trust? In our stocks and savings or in Christ and his provisions. I loved what this pastor said "money creates false sense of safety the more you have the more you feel like you have security and you don't find your security in God...." That is so true. Although I would like to not live hand to mouth, and I would love to not be a slave to our debt, God is providing for us even when the money should have ran out we still have this or that to get us by. During my maternity leave we did get into some big pickle but thankfully even in those God provided us help. We never lost our house, we never went without food (variety maybe but never empty bellies) My goal in life has never been to be rich. However, I have been pretty careless about spending. I am turning my mind to a new philosophy though. When I buy thing, they need to be second hand if possible or homemade. I think that thinking will push me in the direction of being thrifty. A friend of mine is contemplating giving all her possessions away to move and be a missionary. When she told me that my flesh screamed out, "what about your security" But I am reminded of the rich young ruler who Jesus told to sold all he had. The ruler couldn't and turned away and left. Jesus said it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle then for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. That is such a hard thing to swallow. Am I rich? In the US, NO. In regards to the world? Yes. Do I think everyone is called to give away all there things? no, Jesus spoke on matters of money often, however only a handful of time he told the person to give away all they had. the majority of the time was speaking of giving some of your money away and being good stewards of it. He never instructed people to dig a hole and put there money there for safe keeping or for a rainy day. I think it is righteous to be good stewards of what we have, not spending on things that will only go into a landfill in a year or when it goes out of style. Not giving into the latest and greatest things because tomorrow something else will be even better. I try to keep my mentality on "the olden days" and how my grandparents would have done things...but it is hard when the world around you is screaming at you to buy this or look here or wear this... Sometimes I wish I were just Amish. However God called us not to be like the Amish in how they have taken themselves out of the world. And not to give into the worlds temptations. He called us to be "in the world but not of it" Such a hard thing to do, but God said all things are possible with him. So this is my stance, and I will try to produce the fruit that will glorify Him and keep my heart in check on where my treasure lies, for I know I want my treasure to be in Christ.

How I have been feeling about my worship lately...

Heart of Worship by Michael W. Smith

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus

I'm coming back to the heart of worship,
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
And it's all about You,
It's all about You Jesus

Mommy of 2

I thought there would be a lot of difficulties when I becamea mommy of 2. People warned me that life with 2 would not be double the work, but quadruple. When I had Sarah I was so afraid to take the 2 out. I didn't know, and feared , what to do if Josh bolted on me. For a while I let that fear keep me home and isolated. However, starting out with baby steps, I have learned that the obstacles I thought would be problems, ended up being minor. I have learned how to put 2 kids under the age of 2 into the car at the same time, I have learned how to bounce back and forth between a toddlers needs and a baby's cries. I am SO busy now a days, I don't remember what I used to do with my time I had with just one. However, I think the biggest change for me is how much love I am now capable of.
Being single, I was incredibly selfish. Even married I was still selfish, but was learning to work through problems and overlook things that in the grand scheme of things didn't matter. When I had Josh my heart was "walking outside my body". My heart learned to break over skinned up knees and little tears. I had to learn to balance my life making sure my priorities were God, Neal, Josh. That was a very hard lesson to learn that I still struggle with daily. When I had Sarah, I think something truly amazing happened. My heart grew. I didn't know I could love anymore then I already did; but then it happened. My love for my family grew, my love for God grew, but even more amazing my love for others, has grown.
I grew a heart for new moms especially. I have a huge deisre to help them figure this mom thing out. I guess having gone through just 2 years of it, and knowing how tough it can be, makes me want to encourage other moms so much. Being a mom is SO rewarding and the payment of hugs, kisses and giggles is worth more then all the money in the world. I have 4 friends that just had babies, and I find myself praying for these women daily. I love being a wife and mother, they had been my hearts desire from when I was a youth, but to be in the middle of my life and able to sit back and look at it and say, "praise God! this is GOOD!" I couldn't have asked for a better life, I couldn't have asked for a better husband or kids. The path that God put me on to get me here, was truly divine. Although I did stray off it, God still saw me to this point. My life is truly abundantly joyful!

Little Sarah

I haven't wrote my birth story down yet, so I think I might do it now. I should be short and sweet.

We woke up after not much sleep at 4:30am. We had the car packed for the most part the night before, just a few things to finish packing. We arrived at Mad River Hospital right around 5am. Just in time for blood draws and admission paperwork. My doctor arrived in my room at 7am to talk to me about my c-section and answer any last questions. Right before 8am my surgery team wheeled me into the recovery room, where I met my anesthesiologist and nursing team. My favorite OB nurse, Joann would be our baby nurse in the OR. I was prepped in the OR room and my spinal was administered. It went much easier then my epidural with Josh. I did get sick but after some anti-nausea meds I was doing much better and my nerves were at ease. At 8:32am Sarah was delivered which Neal was able to stand up and watch. My OB pulled the drape down so I could see her right after she came out. She cried and cried, which I think is one of the sweetest sounds in the world. Neal went over to the warmer and watched her get stimulated and dried off. Neal held her right by my face so I could look at her and kiss her. Neal followed Sarah and Joann back to OB while I was being closed up. I spent the next 30 or so minutes dreaming and longing to be with my daughter, which I think is the hardest part of a C-section. When I came back to the room I was given Sarah by Neal, and immediately tried breastfeeding. I had a bunch of help with breastfeeding by my wonderful lactation consultant who helped me SO much with Josh and Josh's old speech therapist was there too. between all of us we got one good latch and Sarah was a pro afterwards. My first thought of Sarah was that she looked just like Josh, and that God had blessed us again.

Sarah is my little princess she is the sweetest little girl, who I am so excited to see her grow and become a woman. I pray I can be a great influence on her, and help her learn to love herself like God loves her.